three years ago today

My heart broke I'm places I didn't even know it could feel.

3 years ago today. I held my first born in my arms knowing he wasn't coming home with me.

"5 more minutes.." That's all I wanted to ask the doctor for.. was 5 more minutes. But I couldn't open up my mouth. So I never got those 5 more minutes. Thats my fault. 5 more minutes I just wanted to hold you, I didn't want to let you go. So small and fragile and loveable. 

this is why I need therapy.

Every morning I wake up with memories from 2 years ago still playing in my head. I wake up with the words you said, that hurt me so much, still echoing throughout my empty shell of a heart. I wake up in the morning and I'm angry and sad and heartbroken all over again. As if the previous day or days mean nothing in my personal recovery. I wake up and I have to forgive you all over again, if I want to have peace of mind.

But why has it been two years of this? Yes I know my problem is my partner.  But why can't I move on from this? I've never been betrayed that way before and it hurt so bad that I never want to get pregnant ever again. But why two years of this? My mind hasn't grown, I feel like I'm stuck on repeat, mentally. My heart is shriveled and my blood runs cold. I'm so uninterested in everything. I'm still as suicidal as I was before Rylan was born. I love Rylan but I sometimes wonder if I should've just killed myself after Benji. I still think about blowing my brains out with a gun at the cemetery. I envision that a lot. 

This is why I need a good therapist who doesn't ridicule me. This is why I should probably be on medication. 

What are the chances.

A triple coincidence.

The bitch died. (1) On July 10th.(2) THE first day off my anti-depressants. (3)

Do you believe in coincidences? What about a triple coincidence in one? 

I can't stop thinking that it had to be orchestrated by a power.

God, aliens, or the government? Who has my back and what do you want me to do with my human life on Earth? 

as long as I am with Dan

I will never have what I've always, truly wanted..

sometimes,

I have this hunch..

That somebody on the inside has my back.

July 10th

July 10th was my first day off my medication completely since I started it in 2020. I have been sleeping like a rock every night which is great. I don't eat a lot, but that has always been an issue. 

I feel like I have been mentally and emotionally harassed by 20 strangers in 2 days and they want ME to be the compassionate one because some bitch wigged out on coke and her friends let her drive off and she's been missing for four days. So her friends and family harrass me and my boyfriend and my family and his family for 2 days straight, truly believing he was with her when he wasn't. They were all too comfortable coming to my front door to talk to my boyfriend.

I want to be alone and cry and I can't.

Worst part, all I really want is to buy my sons gravestone already but the funeral home keeps "forgetting" to call me back.

I feel like I am nothing and nobody really cares about how I feel. Through all of the first drama, dans family has been checking on him asking how he is but not one person asked me how I've felt with all of this. 

I hate this.

I just hear my friend gigi..."you should have left him a long time ago, em."

I am also the thinnest I've ever been and the most withdrawn I have ever been. It's getting harder and harder to maintain interest in being a mom.  I feel myself pushing him away already and he's not even 2 years old. 

all the time.

I'm just so unhappy all the time. 

I feel so hollow.

It's not that i don't feel like I'm a part of this family, it's that I know that I don't want to be a part of this family. 

old flame.

Old fame. Twin flame.

The only one I ever had.

For being so alike,

Could we be any more alike?

Not one word to be said from me to you,

Not one word to be said from you to me.

It makes me mad, it makes me sad

That we can do these things to each other,

Unbothered.

I can't believe I ever wanted to marry you.

I hate how you fucked me up.

I hate that I still think about you.

I hate that you did bring me out of that depression

Just to throw me to the wolves.

Just like you, I'll move on and forward. I won't be able to forget that I ever knew you, 

like you do me..

Hungry, always. A little scared. Always on alert.

Just like you, I'll love like wolves. To the full moon and back.

love is not

What you feel in high school or college.

It is not your first relationship, or first orgasm. It is not your first love.

Love is growing old with someone. Love is taking care of your significant other as they are dying. Love is dying together.

Not what we thought we felt when we're young. Love, real love, is old. 

There are only two couples I have seen that kind of love. My grandmother and grandfather Flynn. And my aunt Joyce and uncle Bill.

how

How can I be with someone who doesn't understand depression?

I have struggled with depression since my father died when I was 7 and my mother told us never to speak of him ever again, to act like he never even existed, even though he did.

How can I continuously support someone who struggles with a deadly drug addict, constantly encouraging them to have hope and faith for the future, when they can't do the same for me

Dan says all the time he doesn't understand depression. He thinks it's just a passing sadness. One of many toxic parts of our relationship is that I struggle every single day, just as he does, but in a different way. I don't crave drugs or a high. I crave nothingness. Timelessness. 

He talks shit on my antidepressants but then would tell me I was acting crazy when I wasn't prescribed anything. I feel I can never do anything right around him. Why am I doing this to myself? How did I ever put up with his words before? Because I can't anymore. I will shut him down with every wrong statement about depression, just as he shuts me down when I try to talk about drug addiction with him.

We are toxic. Yet we do so well together. I have never had these luxuries in life that I have now, all because of him and I and our work we did together. And our son is thriving. Toxicity that has lots of good outcomes.

reminder:

Don't trust him. Don't get too comfortable.

 Know your place in this plot.

An altered memory in a dream. The words were the same. Words scar. 

epoxy resin art

It's so much fun but I don't have the patience for it lol 25 hours to cure, my asshole self been taking them out early and they are all bendy :p 

alone.

Dan and I got into another fight about his drug addiction. What makes me most angry is when he lies to me, and that's what makes me lash out. The more we fight, the colder my words get. The last 3 fights I've said stuff that I meant but also hated to say to him. Don't you hate to tell the truth when you know it's gonna tear someone up? Like if you found out your best friends boyfriend was cheating on them and you had to tell your best friend even though you know it would crush them?

I'm sorry I said what I said but it needed to be said. I'm sorry my words were cold. I'm sorry I'll never tell you the things you really wanna hear and I'll never be who you want me to be. You'll never be who I want you to be. 

Some people ask me why I ever dated him in the first place. Or why didn't I leave him before? 

Dan and I were friends before we started dating. And because of his addiction, I never wanted to date him. But after months of hanging out and realizing we have a lot in common, it just happened naturally. And here we are 6 years later. April will be 4 years since Dan has done heroin. I can't even believe it has already been that long. At the same time it has felt like it's been forever.

Soul mates? I dont know. I don't know.

How am I supposed to know if Dan is my soul mate of I still have 60 years of my life to live. My soul mate could be someone I haven't met.

what is it

that I think is inside me that I need to get out?

grave, not yer sight

A black and white photo from a graveyard is a classic. 

I was visiting my son when I looked up and just thought that would make a good photograph.

I used to be really into photography when I was younger. I was more creative when I was younger.

It is exhausting

Being in love with a drug addict.

It is exhausting being a full time mom, too.

But not as exhausting as being in love with a drug addict.

Am I slowly dying?

 I dont know why but I have been thinking about high school a lot recently. So much so that I logged into this blog in hopes to find posts from high school. But it looks like I have deleted all of those posts. I really don't know why.

Don't you hate regret? 

Why have I been thinking about high school? Not just that, but so many memories from different stages of my life have been on my mind lately. Is my life flashing slowly before my eyes? Am I slowly dying?

Jan 14th I went to my gyno. Been having some issues. She tested me for cervical cancer. My boyfriend was so fucked up on xanax that I didn't even tell him. The results came back negative. But for 3 days I was convincing myself, with help from google results (never google your symptoms) that I had stage 4 cancer and 2 years to live. I have all the symptoms of Cervical cancer. 

Now that we ruled that one cancer out, we can start to rule out other cancers. I really thought it was cervical cancer. I know something is wrong inside my body. It is probably cancer of some kind. I am not excited to go back to the doctors. I decided to wait until March to see her again because I was to try to enjoy my birthday.

Am I slowly dying?