Am I slowly dying?

 I dont know why but I have been thinking about high school a lot recently. So much so that I logged into this blog in hopes to find posts from high school. But it looks like I have deleted all of those posts. I really don't know why.

Don't you hate regret? 

Why have I been thinking about high school? Not just that, but so many memories from different stages of my life have been on my mind lately. Is my life flashing slowly before my eyes? Am I slowly dying?

Jan 14th I went to my gyno. Been having some issues. She tested me for cervical cancer. My boyfriend was so fucked up on xanax that I didn't even tell him. The results came back negative. But for 3 days I was convincing myself, with help from google results (never google your symptoms) that I had stage 4 cancer and 2 years to live. I have all the symptoms of Cervical cancer. 

Now that we ruled that one cancer out, we can start to rule out other cancers. I really thought it was cervical cancer. I know something is wrong inside my body. It is probably cancer of some kind. I am not excited to go back to the doctors. I decided to wait until March to see her again because I was to try to enjoy my birthday.

Am I slowly dying?

how weird it must be

to know you are going to die before it happens.

I know someone who was diagnosed with Leukemia a couple of years ago. She underwent chemotherapy and radiation therapy and it helps her get back to living a normal, cancer free life. Until today, when she went in for a check up, and found out the chemo had caused a lack of bone marrow, which is causing newly forming bone marrow cells to turn into Leukemia cells. This isn't uncommon. But if she doesn't get a match for bone marrow, she will not live. She posted this in a Facebook status.
She is not dying yet, but with time...
it just was weird to see
on facebook

"hi everybody. I might not be here a year from today... I'm sorry for everything wrong I have ever done."

What would you say if you knew you had only months left to live.
Would you talk to as many people as you possibly could in that time? Or would you save it solely for those you love.

God, this world is as beautifully fucked up as I am.

I want to fall in love

But the truth is I don't know how.
I don't know how to love some
yet alone love someone unconditionally.
I don't know how to let someone love me.
I don't even know how to let someone get close to me any more.

One time, I dated a guy for a year who was crazy about me until he realized I wasn't who he wanted me to be. We broke up, and he said I had nothing to worry about. That I'm easy to fall in love with.

I don't understand how that is possible.
how could any one fall in love with me?
I am such a mess.
I always have been.
I don;t know how to change for the better..
every time I think I do.. I just get worse
and worse
and worse
until..