as long as I am with Dan

I will never have what I've always, truly wanted..

sometimes,

I have this hunch..

That somebody on the inside has my back.

July 10th

July 10th was my first day off my medication completely since I started it in 2020. I have been sleeping like a rock every night which is great. I don't eat a lot, but that has always been an issue. 

I feel like I have been mentally and emotionally harassed by 20 strangers in 2 days and they want ME to be the compassionate one because some bitch wigged out on coke and her friends let her drive off and she's been missing for four days. So her friends and family harrass me and my boyfriend and my family and his family for 2 days straight, truly believing he was with her when he wasn't. They were all too comfortable coming to my front door to talk to my boyfriend.

I want to be alone and cry and I can't.

Worst part, all I really want is to buy my sons gravestone already but the funeral home keeps "forgetting" to call me back.

I feel like I am nothing and nobody really cares about how I feel. Through all of the first drama, dans family has been checking on him asking how he is but not one person asked me how I've felt with all of this. 

I hate this.

I just hear my friend gigi..."you should have left him a long time ago, em."

I am also the thinnest I've ever been and the most withdrawn I have ever been. It's getting harder and harder to maintain interest in being a mom.  I feel myself pushing him away already and he's not even 2 years old.