this is why I need therapy.

Every morning I wake up with memories from 2 years ago still playing in my head. I wake up with the words you said, that hurt me so much, still echoing throughout my empty shell of a heart. I wake up in the morning and I'm angry and sad and heartbroken all over again. As if the previous day or days mean nothing in my personal recovery. I wake up and I have to forgive you all over again, if I want to have peace of mind.

But why has it been two years of this? Yes I know my problem is my partner.  But why can't I move on from this? I've never been betrayed that way before and it hurt so bad that I never want to get pregnant ever again. But why two years of this? My mind hasn't grown, I feel like I'm stuck on repeat, mentally. My heart is shriveled and my blood runs cold. I'm so uninterested in everything. I'm still as suicidal as I was before Rylan was born. I love Rylan but I sometimes wonder if I should've just killed myself after Benji. I still think about blowing my brains out with a gun at the cemetery. I envision that a lot. 

This is why I need a good therapist who doesn't ridicule me. This is why I should probably be on medication.