I have struggled with depression since my father died when I was 7 and my mother told us never to speak of him ever again, to act like he never even existed, even though he did.
How can I continuously support someone who struggles with a deadly drug addict, constantly encouraging them to have hope and faith for the future, when they can't do the same for me
Dan says all the time he doesn't understand depression. He thinks it's just a passing sadness. One of many toxic parts of our relationship is that I struggle every single day, just as he does, but in a different way. I don't crave drugs or a high. I crave nothingness. Timelessness.
He talks shit on my antidepressants but then would tell me I was acting crazy when I wasn't prescribed anything. I feel I can never do anything right around him. Why am I doing this to myself? How did I ever put up with his words before? Because I can't anymore. I will shut him down with every wrong statement about depression, just as he shuts me down when I try to talk about drug addiction with him.
We are toxic. Yet we do so well together. I have never had these luxuries in life that I have now, all because of him and I and our work we did together. And our son is thriving. Toxicity that has lots of good outcomes.
