It is exhausting

Being in love with a drug addict.

It is exhausting being a full time mom, too.

But not as exhausting as being in love with a drug addict.

I want to fall in love

But the truth is I don't know how.
I don't know how to love some
yet alone love someone unconditionally.
I don't know how to let someone love me.
I don't even know how to let someone get close to me any more.

One time, I dated a guy for a year who was crazy about me until he realized I wasn't who he wanted me to be. We broke up, and he said I had nothing to worry about. That I'm easy to fall in love with.

I don't understand how that is possible.
how could any one fall in love with me?
I am such a mess.
I always have been.
I don;t know how to change for the better..
every time I think I do.. I just get worse
and worse
and worse
until..