this is where I go when I need to cry my fucking eyes out,
spit all the fucking words out,
& spill my guts out,

but can't.

I don't hate anyone anymore (besides myself, always)

I just hate how people act
When they think I feel some type of way about them.
Get. Over. Yourself.
and then I'll get over me.

I’ll numb myself with alcohol and drugs and singers with sad voices.
because all of that is better than what I experienced with you.
And all of that is better than the person I've become.

and if you think that is self-destructive, then you wouldn't want to know exactly how I have been living the past year.

how weird it must be

to know you are going to die before it happens.

I know someone who was diagnosed with Leukemia a couple of years ago. She underwent chemotherapy and radiation therapy and it helps her get back to living a normal, cancer free life. Until today, when she went in for a check up, and found out the chemo had caused a lack of bone marrow, which is causing newly forming bone marrow cells to turn into Leukemia cells. This isn't uncommon. But if she doesn't get a match for bone marrow, she will not live. She posted this in a Facebook status.
She is not dying yet, but with time...
it just was weird to see
on facebook

"hi everybody. I might not be here a year from today... I'm sorry for everything wrong I have ever done."

What would you say if you knew you had only months left to live.
Would you talk to as many people as you possibly could in that time? Or would you save it solely for those you love.

God, this world is as beautifully fucked up as I am.

I want to fall in love

But the truth is I don't know how.
I don't know how to love some
yet alone love someone unconditionally.
I don't know how to let someone love me.
I don't even know how to let someone get close to me any more.

One time, I dated a guy for a year who was crazy about me until he realized I wasn't who he wanted me to be. We broke up, and he said I had nothing to worry about. That I'm easy to fall in love with.

I don't understand how that is possible.
how could any one fall in love with me?
I am such a mess.
I always have been.
I don;t know how to change for the better..
every time I think I do.. I just get worse
and worse
and worse
until..

I reactivated this account, after deleting all the posts i have ever written and trying to start new.
When Will I learn that starting new isn't really a thing.
I must accept the old and not be ashamed or angry at the person I was,
but proud of the skin I grew into, and how I endured everything I did.

Depression controls my life.

I am trying so hard not to be sad all the time.
I am trying so hard not to hurt myself
I am trying so hard to believe things will get better.

I used to thrive in the presence, in belief a better tomorrow would come
Then, I was hit hard with reality when both of my sisters turned into Heroin addicts, and I had to endure the hardest 4 years of my life.
After they got better, it took me a whole year to realize they had gotten better.
I had seen them recover, then relapse, then recover. then relapse.
It was apparent there was no help for them. There was no love strong enough, or consistent enough for them. Then I realized, that was me. I don't believe I will ever find love, so I learned to live life without it for years, and that is why came to be this empty shell of what was once a beautiful girl with high potential.

It has been a year since Paul and I broke up and It has been a year since he told me what really happened.
I have spent this past year hating some one so immensely, someone whom I spent the previously year loving so strongly. why does it have to be that way? Why do you feel such a bond with someone, and then once shit hits the fan, it is the deepest hatred you have ever experience? And if you don't let it out, like I didn't, it just lives behind your ribs until it becomes yours ribs, and your veins, and your blood, and the reasons your hands shake when you hear his name. I became a monster because I fell in love with a monster. And I never thought I would fall in love, but I felt it so strongly with him, from the moment I fucking met him I knew I liked him.
I wish I didn't.
I wish I had never dated him.
I was a better person before I met him.

It hurt last night.
it hurt when she asked.
and it hurt when I had to lie to her,
to make myself feel better.

I wish I didn't have to lie.
I wish I could be honest, and open
and I wish I had friends to share good laughs with.

I am so emotional detached from everything I know.