I reactivated this account, after deleting all the posts i have ever written and trying to start new.
When Will I learn that starting new isn't really a thing.
I must accept the old and not be ashamed or angry at the person I was,
but proud of the skin I grew into, and how I endured everything I did.

Depression controls my life.

I am trying so hard not to be sad all the time.
I am trying so hard not to hurt myself
I am trying so hard to believe things will get better.

I used to thrive in the presence, in belief a better tomorrow would come
Then, I was hit hard with reality when both of my sisters turned into Heroin addicts, and I had to endure the hardest 4 years of my life.
After they got better, it took me a whole year to realize they had gotten better.
I had seen them recover, then relapse, then recover. then relapse.
It was apparent there was no help for them. There was no love strong enough, or consistent enough for them. Then I realized, that was me. I don't believe I will ever find love, so I learned to live life without it for years, and that is why came to be this empty shell of what was once a beautiful girl with high potential.

It has been a year since Paul and I broke up and It has been a year since he told me what really happened.
I have spent this past year hating some one so immensely, someone whom I spent the previously year loving so strongly. why does it have to be that way? Why do you feel such a bond with someone, and then once shit hits the fan, it is the deepest hatred you have ever experience? And if you don't let it out, like I didn't, it just lives behind your ribs until it becomes yours ribs, and your veins, and your blood, and the reasons your hands shake when you hear his name. I became a monster because I fell in love with a monster. And I never thought I would fall in love, but I felt it so strongly with him, from the moment I fucking met him I knew I liked him.
I wish I didn't.
I wish I had never dated him.
I was a better person before I met him.