reminder:

Don't trust him. Don't get too comfortable.

 Know your place in this plot.

An altered memory in a dream. The words were the same. Words scar. 

epoxy resin art

It's so much fun but I don't have the patience for it lol 25 hours to cure, my asshole self been taking them out early and they are all bendy :p 

alone.

Dan and I got into another fight about his drug addiction. What makes me most angry is when he lies to me, and that's what makes me lash out. The more we fight, the colder my words get. The last 3 fights I've said stuff that I meant but also hated to say to him. Don't you hate to tell the truth when you know it's gonna tear someone up? Like if you found out your best friends boyfriend was cheating on them and you had to tell your best friend even though you know it would crush them?

I'm sorry I said what I said but it needed to be said. I'm sorry my words were cold. I'm sorry I'll never tell you the things you really wanna hear and I'll never be who you want me to be. You'll never be who I want you to be. 

Some people ask me why I ever dated him in the first place. Or why didn't I leave him before? 

Dan and I were friends before we started dating. And because of his addiction, I never wanted to date him. But after months of hanging out and realizing we have a lot in common, it just happened naturally. And here we are 6 years later. April will be 4 years since Dan has done heroin. I can't even believe it has already been that long. At the same time it has felt like it's been forever.

Soul mates? I dont know. I don't know.

How am I supposed to know if Dan is my soul mate of I still have 60 years of my life to live. My soul mate could be someone I haven't met.

what is it

that I think is inside me that I need to get out?

grave, not yer sight

A black and white photo from a graveyard is a classic. 

I was visiting my son when I looked up and just thought that would make a good photograph.

I used to be really into photography when I was younger. I was more creative when I was younger.

It is exhausting

Being in love with a drug addict.

It is exhausting being a full time mom, too.

But not as exhausting as being in love with a drug addict.

Am I slowly dying?

 I dont know why but I have been thinking about high school a lot recently. So much so that I logged into this blog in hopes to find posts from high school. But it looks like I have deleted all of those posts. I really don't know why.

Don't you hate regret? 

Why have I been thinking about high school? Not just that, but so many memories from different stages of my life have been on my mind lately. Is my life flashing slowly before my eyes? Am I slowly dying?

Jan 14th I went to my gyno. Been having some issues. She tested me for cervical cancer. My boyfriend was so fucked up on xanax that I didn't even tell him. The results came back negative. But for 3 days I was convincing myself, with help from google results (never google your symptoms) that I had stage 4 cancer and 2 years to live. I have all the symptoms of Cervical cancer. 

Now that we ruled that one cancer out, we can start to rule out other cancers. I really thought it was cervical cancer. I know something is wrong inside my body. It is probably cancer of some kind. I am not excited to go back to the doctors. I decided to wait until March to see her again because I was to try to enjoy my birthday.

Am I slowly dying?