love is not

What you feel in high school or college.

It is not your first relationship, or first orgasm. It is not your first love.

Love is growing old with someone. Love is taking care of your significant other as they are dying. Love is dying together.

Not what we thought we felt when we're young. Love, real love, is old. 

There are only two couples I have seen that kind of love. My grandmother and grandfather Flynn. And my aunt Joyce and uncle Bill.

how

How can I be with someone who doesn't understand depression?

I have struggled with depression since my father died when I was 7 and my mother told us never to speak of him ever again, to act like he never even existed, even though he did.

How can I continuously support someone who struggles with a deadly drug addict, constantly encouraging them to have hope and faith for the future, when they can't do the same for me

Dan says all the time he doesn't understand depression. He thinks it's just a passing sadness. One of many toxic parts of our relationship is that I struggle every single day, just as he does, but in a different way. I don't crave drugs or a high. I crave nothingness. Timelessness. 

He talks shit on my antidepressants but then would tell me I was acting crazy when I wasn't prescribed anything. I feel I can never do anything right around him. Why am I doing this to myself? How did I ever put up with his words before? Because I can't anymore. I will shut him down with every wrong statement about depression, just as he shuts me down when I try to talk about drug addiction with him.

We are toxic. Yet we do so well together. I have never had these luxuries in life that I have now, all because of him and I and our work we did together. And our son is thriving. Toxicity that has lots of good outcomes.

reminder:

Don't trust him. Don't get too comfortable.

 Know your place in this plot.

An altered memory in a dream. The words were the same. Words scar. 

epoxy resin art

It's so much fun but I don't have the patience for it lol 25 hours to cure, my asshole self been taking them out early and they are all bendy :p 

alone.

Dan and I got into another fight about his drug addiction. What makes me most angry is when he lies to me, and that's what makes me lash out. The more we fight, the colder my words get. The last 3 fights I've said stuff that I meant but also hated to say to him. Don't you hate to tell the truth when you know it's gonna tear someone up? Like if you found out your best friends boyfriend was cheating on them and you had to tell your best friend even though you know it would crush them?

I'm sorry I said what I said but it needed to be said. I'm sorry my words were cold. I'm sorry I'll never tell you the things you really wanna hear and I'll never be who you want me to be. You'll never be who I want you to be. 

Some people ask me why I ever dated him in the first place. Or why didn't I leave him before? 

Dan and I were friends before we started dating. And because of his addiction, I never wanted to date him. But after months of hanging out and realizing we have a lot in common, it just happened naturally. And here we are 6 years later. April will be 4 years since Dan has done heroin. I can't even believe it has already been that long. At the same time it has felt like it's been forever.

Soul mates? I dont know. I don't know.

How am I supposed to know if Dan is my soul mate of I still have 60 years of my life to live. My soul mate could be someone I haven't met.

what is it

that I think is inside me that I need to get out?

grave, not yer sight

A black and white photo from a graveyard is a classic. 

I was visiting my son when I looked up and just thought that would make a good photograph.

I used to be really into photography when I was younger. I was more creative when I was younger.