this is why I need therapy.

Every morning I wake up with memories from 2 years ago still playing in my head. I wake up with the words you said, that hurt me so much, still echoing throughout my empty shell of a heart. I wake up in the morning and I'm angry and sad and heartbroken all over again. As if the previous day or days mean nothing in my personal recovery. I wake up and I have to forgive you all over again, if I want to have peace of mind.

But why has it been two years of this? Yes I know my problem is my partner.  But why can't I move on from this? I've never been betrayed that way before and it hurt so bad that I never want to get pregnant ever again. But why two years of this? My mind hasn't grown, I feel like I'm stuck on repeat, mentally. My heart is shriveled and my blood runs cold. I'm so uninterested in everything. I'm still as suicidal as I was before Rylan was born. I love Rylan but I sometimes wonder if I should've just killed myself after Benji. I still think about blowing my brains out with a gun at the cemetery. I envision that a lot. 

This is why I need a good therapist who doesn't ridicule me. This is why I should probably be on medication. 

What are the chances.

A triple coincidence.

The bitch died. (1) On July 10th.(2) THE first day off my anti-depressants. (3)

Do you believe in coincidences? What about a triple coincidence in one? 

I can't stop thinking that it had to be orchestrated by a power.

God, aliens, or the government? Who has my back and what do you want me to do with my human life on Earth? 

as long as I am with Dan

I will never have what I've always, truly wanted..

sometimes,

I have this hunch..

That somebody on the inside has my back.

July 10th

July 10th was my first day off my medication completely since I started it in 2020. I have been sleeping like a rock every night which is great. I don't eat a lot, but that has always been an issue. 

I feel like I have been mentally and emotionally harassed by 20 strangers in 2 days and they want ME to be the compassionate one because some bitch wigged out on coke and her friends let her drive off and she's been missing for four days. So her friends and family harrass me and my boyfriend and my family and his family for 2 days straight, truly believing he was with her when he wasn't. They were all too comfortable coming to my front door to talk to my boyfriend.

I want to be alone and cry and I can't.

Worst part, all I really want is to buy my sons gravestone already but the funeral home keeps "forgetting" to call me back.

I feel like I am nothing and nobody really cares about how I feel. Through all of the first drama, dans family has been checking on him asking how he is but not one person asked me how I've felt with all of this. 

I hate this.

I just hear my friend gigi..."you should have left him a long time ago, em."

I am also the thinnest I've ever been and the most withdrawn I have ever been. It's getting harder and harder to maintain interest in being a mom.  I feel myself pushing him away already and he's not even 2 years old. 

all the time.

I'm just so unhappy all the time. 

I feel so hollow.

It's not that i don't feel like I'm a part of this family, it's that I know that I don't want to be a part of this family.