sometimes,

I have this hunch..

That somebody on the inside has my back.

July 10th

July 10th was my first day off my medication completely since I started it in 2020. I have been sleeping like a rock every night which is great. I don't eat a lot, but that has always been an issue. 

I feel like I have been mentally and emotionally harassed by 20 strangers in 2 days and they want ME to be the compassionate one because some bitch wigged out on coke and her friends let her drive off and she's been missing for four days. So her friends and family harrass me and my boyfriend and my family and his family for 2 days straight, truly believing he was with her when he wasn't. They were all too comfortable coming to my front door to talk to my boyfriend.

I want to be alone and cry and I can't.

Worst part, all I really want is to buy my sons gravestone already but the funeral home keeps "forgetting" to call me back.

I feel like I am nothing and nobody really cares about how I feel. Through all of the first drama, dans family has been checking on him asking how he is but not one person asked me how I've felt with all of this. 

I hate this.

I just hear my friend gigi..."you should have left him a long time ago, em."

I am also the thinnest I've ever been and the most withdrawn I have ever been. It's getting harder and harder to maintain interest in being a mom.  I feel myself pushing him away already and he's not even 2 years old. 

all the time.

I'm just so unhappy all the time. 

I feel so hollow.

It's not that i don't feel like I'm a part of this family, it's that I know that I don't want to be a part of this family. 

old flame.

Old fame. Twin flame.

The only one I ever had.

For being so alike,

Could we be any more alike?

Not one word to be said from me to you,

Not one word to be said from you to me.

It makes me mad, it makes me sad

That we can do these things to each other,

Unbothered.

I can't believe I ever wanted to marry you.

I hate how you fucked me up.

I hate that I still think about you.

I hate that you did bring me out of that depression

Just to throw me to the wolves.

Just like you, I'll move on and forward. I won't be able to forget that I ever knew you, 

like you do me..

Hungry, always. A little scared. Always on alert.

Just like you, I'll love like wolves. To the full moon and back.

love is not

What you feel in high school or college.

It is not your first relationship, or first orgasm. It is not your first love.

Love is growing old with someone. Love is taking care of your significant other as they are dying. Love is dying together.

Not what we thought we felt when we're young. Love, real love, is old. 

There are only two couples I have seen that kind of love. My grandmother and grandfather Flynn. And my aunt Joyce and uncle Bill.

how

How can I be with someone who doesn't understand depression?

I have struggled with depression since my father died when I was 7 and my mother told us never to speak of him ever again, to act like he never even existed, even though he did.

How can I continuously support someone who struggles with a deadly drug addict, constantly encouraging them to have hope and faith for the future, when they can't do the same for me

Dan says all the time he doesn't understand depression. He thinks it's just a passing sadness. One of many toxic parts of our relationship is that I struggle every single day, just as he does, but in a different way. I don't crave drugs or a high. I crave nothingness. Timelessness. 

He talks shit on my antidepressants but then would tell me I was acting crazy when I wasn't prescribed anything. I feel I can never do anything right around him. Why am I doing this to myself? How did I ever put up with his words before? Because I can't anymore. I will shut him down with every wrong statement about depression, just as he shuts me down when I try to talk about drug addiction with him.

We are toxic. Yet we do so well together. I have never had these luxuries in life that I have now, all because of him and I and our work we did together. And our son is thriving. Toxicity that has lots of good outcomes.